A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Fighting for peace is like *ing for virginity.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an * .
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.